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By Akeem Lasisi

They say I have no certificate
As if you need the Cambridge magic
To bamboozle your way to the hallowed space
As if you need an Oxford’s ticket
To bully your way to the national cake.

I stayed in the varsity for so long
I bagged an Elderstudentsmanship with a record break
I rocked the campus like a mystery plague
I got a bachelor of arts in a science course.

They say I have no certificate
But, online and offline, I rock customised Lamborghinis plus oversight jeeps
Those who decorate their garages with doctoral crests
Are writing my biography with stunning haste

I am the elephant with a single arm:
I uproot a palm tree with super awe
If the elephant had two arms
It would bring the Pluto to its arrogant knees.

They say I have no certificate
As if a certificate is akpu and afam soup
That makes the visitor to Ibom to tarry
As if a certificate is amala and gbegiri

That makes Ibadan a dangerous place for greedy mouths.
When did a degree become the sumptuous tuwo masara
When did it acquire the power of fura da nono
Delicacy kings of the Northern belt?

They say I have no certificate
But Dejo is mad, Dejo is mad
Dejo eats pounded yam with the arm of a goat
Dejo is crazy, Dejo is mad

Dejo eats amala with the thigh of a ram.
They say I have no certificate
Yet I never conducted any medical test
Before I diagnosed menopause on the Senate floor

The hen pecks at corn; it strikes at beans with dispatch ease
Yet it keeps lamenting the absence of teeth:
The goat with a dental heritage
Has it ever eaten stones with its certificated teeth?

If the farmer refuses to promise me choice yam
I can cause the rain to hide in the sky
If the king wants to prove unduly stubborn
I cause the budget to hang in the air.

They say I have no certificate
And I appropriate billions with casual bliss;
Knowing that SANs are eager to plead my cause
I misappropriate billions with jumbo swag

When they ask for my payslip
I slip a pittance into the stupid air
When they ask me for the total pay
I spin a myth like a master tortoise.

They say I have no certificate.
They say I don’t have certificate
Shame I know I do not have
But I flaunt my shamelessness with national pride.

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