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I picked up COVID last week sitting in an airport lounge, writing, and I pulled my mask down because my masked breath fogged my glasses, and now I’m holed up in a cheap hotel in Fort Lauderdale, waiting for the Paxlovid to kick in. I pass through numerous airports every month because in the comedy business, people tire of you after an exposure or two — the dog who walks into the bar and says, “How about a drink for a talking dog” and the bartender says, “Sure, the toilet’s down there, first door on the left” is not a life-changing joke — and so I keep on the move, and besides, I’m in love with my woman and want to get back to her promptly and not travel by bus. She puts her arms around me and whispers things that nobody else whispers. Sometimes TSA agents feel up my inner thighs but intimacy with a guy with a badge and blue rubber gloves doesn’t interest me.

Airports have become ginormous as they’ve added vast shopping arcades and fine restaurants so it’s a mile from the TSA guy with blue gloves to my gate and sometimes a man in a motorized cart stops and asks if I’d like a lift and I am tempted but so far I have declined. My legs are not so strong because I no longer drink milk, which builds strong bodies. I suppose I could order a double latte, but in my mind I cannot hear John Wayne say, “I’d like a double latte, Pilgrim” and so I don’t. And I feel that accepting a ride in a motorized cart is the first step to assisted living and a salt-free diet and hiring a woman trainer named Melissa to come help me do squats. I do squats privately and for a purpose, to plug in a power cord, but I wouldn’t want Melissa to observe this.

Anyway, here I am in… Read more

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